Aging Well with Gump(tion)  

by evoker on December 13, 2017

in 70th Year

December holidays bring that incomparably palpable atmosphere of gratitude and sense of grace in the world. This month, in this blog, you will read about the upside and the joys of aging. Yes, there are many upsides. I say this to those who doubt it outright or are only partially convinced this is true.

I am talking about real and lasting gifts mainly in our inner life, our learning and attitudes, our hearts and souls. As fun and enriching as extending our physical vitality can be, and we will look at these later, I want to look at the inner life, the intangibles, the learning, the spiritual glow of being.

Let’s begin with one example—dealing with the ever present choices of managing time. Let’s listen in on what Frederic Hudson and Jack Murphy say about older adults’ altered view of time (something I notice a lot in this, my 70th year) and our potential to use if more gracefully:

To successful elders, time is a precious gift. Our response to this gift is appreciation and reverence for life. There is a paradox in elders’ view of time. Time is running out, yet there is no rush. Wrapped in the essence of life, and pursuing only values of highest priority, elders proceed with a sense of leisure. The midlifer is a begrudging engineer of passing time; the elder is a generous user of borrowed time. The midlifer faces deadlines and turns to work; the elder faces death and turns to life.  page 96The Joy of Old: A Guide to Successful Elderhood by John S. Murphy and Frederic M. Hudson, Geode Press, 1995, out of print)

Frederic was my mentor, the founder of two ongoing learning organizations targeted for midlifers and beyond (Hudson Institute of Coaching and the Fielding Institute), and I worked with him enough over almost 15 years that I came to understand some of these inner joys of getting old, the accompanying gratitude and grace, before I was 50. But I really understand them more now. My relationship to time for the past several years is to slow it down, even as I have less of it. I am not shutting down, I am slowing down—and this opens me up, making more room for the gratitude and reverence for all the little things.

The good news is that much of this happens naturally with our brains changing, so we don’t get to take much credit for it. We (the “successful elders” Hudson writes about) need to get out of our own way, set aside our mid-life busyness and fear of boredom, and let a slower pace provide new energies for appreciating life. I still like my busy work spurts to a point, and my deep client or classroom interactions. But I feed off the slow times, the soulful non-productive times, the joyful times of looking at a tree that evoke reverence for beauty, having a great conversation with a friend or my sister, taking a walk under the moon with my wife, or having a song carry me away to the realms that only music can.

Forrest Gump had this quality of childlike reverence and appreciation, since he was unencumbered with the usual mid-life adult career mandates. He had this slowed-down poetic/artistic side that he told Jenny about when she asked him if he had been afraid in Vietnam. Yes, well I don’t know. Sometimes it would stop raining enough for the stars to come out… then it was nice. It was just like before the sun would go to bed on the bayou, there was always a million sparkles on the water. Or like that mountain lake, Jenny, it was so clear, it looked like it was two skies one on top of the other. And then in the desert when the sun comes up, I couldn’t tell when heaven stopped and the earth began. It was so beautiful.” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrY6loEUl7Q)

We can choose gratitude as we age, and see the beauty, like Forrest did, in a jungle war or a shrimp boat sunset. It often takes some work, some gump-tion (like Forrest) to do that and stop our complaint about the aching knee, limited mobility, the losses. But it also takes some non-work, some relaxation and letting go, and letting our relationship to time shift as it can. We eventually can learn that aging is a pretty good deal when we do, because with gratitude and opening up, grace finds us more often. Not in any huge dramatic way, but in the felt experiences of a low-grade inner glow that hits us in the chest and then brings our mind along for the ride.

Even as we get older every day, with less time to live, fewer breaths to take, we turn to life.

Image: “Time” Engraved by Enea Vico (Italian, Parma 1523–1567 Ferrara) Licensed under CC0 1.0 Original source via Metropolitan Museum of Art

{ 0 comments }

I have a Florida friend who had two knees replaced at age 63 so he could keep playing high level tennis. He is designing his elderhood, his later life years.

I have a 60-something friend who moved from Long Island after several decades. She uprooted herself and went to Philly to live near her family. She is yet to settle in, but she is giving it time. She is designing her elderhood.

I have an 87-year-old friend who put money down on a tiered living arrangement eight years after he became a widower, then walked away from the deal. “I am an introvert and love my solitude. This is the best time of my life. They were going to treat me like I’m an extrovert in need of lots of activities.” He bought a homecare plan for when he needs it, and wants to live in his big house by himself to the end of his years. He is designing his elderhood.

I met a woman recently who divorced her husband after 42 years. She had had enough of his self-centeredness. Ouch. But she is designing her elderhood.

All four are deliberating and designing their futures.

Having a pulse means we design our lives. We decide to do certain things and not to do millions of other things. These decisions put in motion the structure and circumstances that we build out of those we inherited. We can’t change what we inherited. We can and do change the ones we construct.

So we design. We say yes and no. We choose.

We make a whole series of choices, some big ones, throughout life; and there are big ones to make at whatever age we begin to climb down the career/raising family ladder and find discretionary time. The data is clear, the older you get, the more discretionary time you will have.

Have we done enough thinking about what our choices are? How much imagination are we bringing to the later life years? How much courage to change? Travel magazines are a start, but not enough. The happiest elders I know have brought real imagination to their life choices, and have been willing to take some risks. What are you doing about the set of choices you are facing now or will face soon?

Many of us pretended that all our early adult and midlife career and family/community choices would carry us indefinitely. They won’t, not if we live long. The kids grow up and leave eventually. We say good bye to big chunks, if not most, of our careers. I heard a 45-year-old dentist once complaining about this arrangement in his mid-life restlessness: “I am not very happy in my work,” he said. “Why should I expect it?—a 17-year-old boy, 28 years ago, decided I would be a dentist.” I am sure you get the math here. Why would our late adolescent/early adulthood choices last into our 70s?

As a result of these long lives we live, there is work to do as we enter our later life years—we have new choices to make about our health, our range of activities and friends, our places to live. May we choose wisely, and may we scramble to repair the damage when we make a decision that is not.

Irish poet John O Donahue can help us here.

May we have the courage today
to live the lives that we would love
to postpone our dreams no longer
to do at last what we came here for
and waste our hearts on fear no more

Image above: “A lovely journey” By Sathis Babu is licensed under CC BY 2.0

{ 0 comments }

Overcoming the Dread of Aging

November 10, 2017

I heard a fairly normal comment about aging while on the tennis court last week. I had met a few new guys exactly my age – 68 and 69. One of them said “this being in my late 60s has not been that hard to admit but 69!!! Sheesh, that is almost 70, and whoa […]

Read the full article →

Hanging with LA celebs: whispers of Lady Diana

October 28, 2017

My wife and I do not hang out in the LA celebrity scene. We did this week (October 26), even though an LA gala is not the easiest place to be in life’s later years (more on that later.) I am proud to serve on the board for Whole Child International, a fantastically promising resource […]

Read the full article →

25,000 days of life and still counting

October 25, 2017

About 163 days after our 69th birthdays we all hit 25,000 days of life. On our 69th b-day, the one I had last week, we are living our 24,837th day or so, depending on leap year patterns. For me, March 30th 2018 is my 25,000th day for sucking air on the planet and being John […]

Read the full article →